How to open a jar

Created on Thursday, January 1, 1970.
Filed under Life Skills.

An unopenable jar has to be one of the worst things that can happen to you, especially on a bad day. What creates such an abomination, and how can we topple it?


The Unopenable Jar. An unopenable jar has to be one of the worst things that can happen to you, especially on a bad day. The Impossible Jar loves to infuriate you with its dumb expression and slippery uncooperative movements. The Impossible Jar loves to stop you from having peanut butter, or jam, or both. What creates such an abomination? How can we topple it?

Know your enemy

To understand The Impossible Jar we must first gain a basic knowledge of its anatomy: The Jar's Anatomy

  1. Re-recordable label outlining genus, strain, form, history, vitamin and mineral composition and creator.
  2. A usually transparent or translucent exoskeleton known as a 'bottle', very susceptible to falls. When the exoskeleton is broken, the jar's insides go splat.
  3. A tough, flat head, commonly bearing a small depression in the middle to alert others of its open or closed status.
  4. Spreadable insides that taste good on bread, and that you cannot get to.

Since the insides would “go splat” if we broke the bottle, the only way to get to the spreadable insides would be through the head. The head is very durable and the Jar will put up a fight, so it won’t be easy.

Head extraction

The Great Barrier

Head Extraction would be a matter of simply twisting off the head in most cases, but for Impossible Jars the vacuum holding the head and bottle together is so unearthly-ly strong that it requires more strategy to defeat.

Brawn over Brains

Jar Whackin'

When you want to break a vacuum cleaner you just smack it ‘round a bit, right? Well grab yourself a truncheon (I use a sharpening steel) and whack all around the sides of the lid. Make sure to whack hard enough to leave dents, but not so hard as to break the bottle. We don’t want insides all over the table. Watch out for the Jar’s attempts to slip away from your grip — it could lead to you truncheoning your hand!

A victory for mankind!

Open, Peanut Butter!

After a few whacks just get the Jar in a joint lock, twist the head off the body and you have access to the sweet insides. Now you can click away from this article and escape the bad humor.

That's all there is, there isn't any more.
© Desi Quintans, 2002 – 2022.